tonight
Tonight I wanted to drown myself. I am alone and lost. My emotions are pulling me every which way, and none of them feel right. But the worst thing about tonight is that I’m not sure what I did wrong. I don’t feel as if I could have caused this huge disturbance in things that were already fucked up to begin with. I wont be able to wake up and see my son every morning, and that kills me. I know I need to be strong, and show him that I can be strong, but I feel so weak that I just want to give in to these thoughts. I laid in my bathtub filled with water for almost an hour and a half, and the entire time I battled with the thought of just holding my breath until I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I need a partner. I need someone to hold my hand. I need my son. I need to feel safe and secure. I’m writing this because I need help but I am too afraid to ask for it. Too ashamed. Too weak. I am not a man. I am just a coward. And no matter what I do to fix anything in my life, I seem to break it even more. I’ve done nothing for the last month and a half but dedicate myself to becoming a better partner, better father, better friend. And I feel I have tried my hardest at doing these things and yet it still seems like I have failed.
